"Men Are Like...."

"Men Are Like...."

   Men are like ... newborn babies
   They're cute at first, but you get tired
   of picking up their crap.

   Men are like ... coffee
   The best ones are rich, hot and can
   keep you up all night.

   Men are like ... computers.
   Hard to figure out and never enough
   memory.

   Men are like ... coolers.
   Load them with beer and you can
   take them anywhere.

   Men are like ... chocolate bars.
   Sweet, smooth and they usually head
   right for your hips.

   Men are like .... power tools
   They make a lot of noise, but it's hard
   to get them to work.

   Men are like ... remote controls
   Simple.  Easy to use.  And usually
   lying around a TV.

   Men are like ... shag carpets.
   Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk
   on.

   Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
   They're not much fun, but at least you
    get to push them around.

   Men are like ... road kill
   They usually just lie around until they
   start to smell.

   Men are like ... soap operas
   They're fun to watch, but don't believe
   everything you hear.

   Men are like ... pillows
   Eventually, even the best ones get soft
   and lumpy.

   Men are like ... old car tires
   Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts
   to have a spare.

   Men are like ... plastic wrap
   Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see
   through.

   Men are like .... department stores
   Their clothes should always be half
   off.

   Men are like ... horoscopes.
   They always tell you what to do and are
   usually wrong.

   Men are like ...  cement.
   After getting laid, they take a long time
   to get hard.

   Men are like ... plungers.
   They spend most of their lives in a
   hardware store or the bathroom
~~
~~

Men, Translated

"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize
it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."